WHALE SHEPHERD ESCALATING VIOLENT ATTACKS
During the afternoon, the Steve Earwig approached the Fishin Sashimi four times. Several bottles of rancid butter were thrown by the activists and landed and smashed on the Fishin Sashimi's cookery wing and others landed near some endangered penguins.
The IDWR today rejected all claims by Whale Shepherd that a rifle was fired at the Whale Shepherd's dangerous terrorist cult leader. "We were merely sending them a metallic projectile-like invitation to join our foodological research discussions," said Mr Morisu Minoru, the Director General of the Institute of Delicious Whale Research. It was necessary to increase our measure of defence against Whale Shepherd, which has continually attacked today by throwing bottles of butyric acid, the flesh-eating, blinding, biological warfare agent also found in Parmesan cheese. On the third pass, Coastguard members threw three hand grenades (devices used in Japanese kamikaze training). Whale Shepherd continued to approach and a further four grenades were delivered.
These explosive devices give a loud bang and plenty of shrapnel, but are harmless to the thrower and are used in military warfare. They are not repercussion grenades nor are they stun grenades, as claimed by Whale Shepherd. These are warnings to Whale Shepherd to stay away from the Japanese research vessels during lunchtime. We urge them to take our advice, Mr Minoru said.
Off butter is a medium strong acid. It attacks many metals and can eat right through the refrigerator door, and can also be absorbed into the body by inhalation of its vapor or inadvertently consumed on toast. It is corrosive to the eyes, the skin and the respiratory tract, including the "back passage". Of course, the tens of thousands of litres thrown by the Whale Shephard will be causing damage to the Southern Ocean, which our best researchers estimate contains only a total of one million liters of seawater, Mr Minoru said.